The truth behind her eyes

[Black Wings]

I have never been one to avoid a lie. I knew they are real and I know that they are always following people. But everything that was real could and would be news to me. People who told lies were not my friends, even when I did at points. But people who told the truth I often left alone, not wanting to meet the real world.

The real world... What a joke...
But I soon would find out what it really was and what It really meant...

[Black Wings]

I layed in bed one night. I was only about 12, and throught of the past. I rememberd when, on the 4th of July, that my parents had into a fight not a violent one, just a few words back and forth. Everyone fights, it's inevitable. I remember my sister and I hiding behind a recliner, just listening. When the fight was over, we snuck back into our room. It was pink and small, and we shared it, but loved it. She would be messy, while I was neat freak. Our bunk beds were against he window and I had the top. Later that night, when everyone was asleep, I dreampt. I dreampt of falling through toys, a pink background that faded to purple behind me. The toys went by fast, yet slow. At the end of my fall, there was a pain. My eyes sprung open and I saw that I was on the floor, my sister toys under my back. I closed my eyes again for a minute then got to my feet and climbed back to my bed. From that day till I was 12, I had bad dreams. Not nightmares, just... Odd ones. Ones that made me sleep walk.

Just... Odd ones...

[Black Wings]

A few months later, my mother told me about when I was younger. Something she never told me before. She and I were in the car, heading to a store. We were talking about ghosts and the afterlife.
She told me, "Did I ever tell you what you did that scared me to death?"
"No," I replied.
"Well, when you were younger, before you started school, I picked you up from day care, I buckled you into the car, and went to my door and got in. While driving home, you told me something odd. You said 'I need to go to my other mother'. My reply was simple: 'I am your mother, Honey.' But you went on. 'No, my other mother. She's sad because our house had a fire and My other daddy and my brother and I all died in it. So she's really sad. I need to go back to her and make her happy again...'. Honey, you scared me to death. I thought you didn't want me as your mom. You went on for months telling me about your family that died. I called doctors and Me'me. Finally, one doctor told me that you might be an old soul. That If I believed in reencarnation that you may have rememberd another life of yours and that you are very special, someone who has a connection still to your other life. After thoses months, you completely stopped."
I starred at my mom. I couldn't remember any of this. It boggled my mind. I thought she was telling me a lie. I was scarred myself.
She went on, "Do you remember that?"
I stayed silent as we pulled into the parking lot of WalMart.

[Black Wings]

That same night that we had gone to walmart I was getting ready for bed. I pulled on some shorts and went to put on a new shirt when I saw a scar on my elbow. It was a thin line that was maybe an inch. I could remember how a got it like it was yesterday:

I got out of bed and went into the bathroom. I picked up dad's razor, not knowing what it was for but rememberd seeing dad shave his face with it. I tried it on my elbow, not water and slid it across, not up like you were supposed to. A line of blood formed and a stinging sensation met me.It was deep and much longer back then, and I probably should have had stitches, but I was too affraid to tell my parents. I wrapped my arm in my mickey mouse t-shirt and went back to bed, crying, thinking I was going to get into trouble.

[Black Wings]

I remember one night that almost killed me inside, my whole world almost caved in on me and my stable mind. My family and I had stayed out to camp for the weekend and we were driving home after. Dad had to drive his truck and bring the dog home and mom and I followed him in her car. He had been drinking. I remember it like it was just yesterday, though, It was years ago now. He was swirving, and at one point, he went into the other lane while an oncoming car was blarring his horn coming straight at him. It was like slow motion, frame by frame I saw everything happen. He steered right and we were able to get him to drive into a parking lot after barely escaping a crash with that other car. I'm still not sure how he did it.

All I know for sure is that I almost lost my dad last night... And on that night, I died a little inside...

[Black Wings]

I sat on my bed. The tears rolled down my face, showing a shine on my skin. I felt like he cared, like he loved me, no matter what. The phone dropped from my hand, bouncing off the floor. Then I got up and I stood there, in the middle of my room... Motionless. Everything was still, even time had stopped. Except those tears, which kept forming and moving down my face. He said goodbye, to find someone else... He was the only one... He led me to believe that... He said that he loved me for always and forever that same day, only minutes before. I believed him. I really thought he did, and thought he knew that I felt the same way.
He didn't care... DId he ever care? The way that I did for him? Did he know how my heart aches in my chest, how it just stopped beating with the time, just layed in my body, just being crippled.
No... He didn't... And why should I tell him? I didn't ever want to force him into anything... But He did with me, He forced me to let go... To say goodbye, and never come back. Is that how he thought of me? As a person to tug back and forth on, then just let her drop, aching when she was punctured by the pointed rocks in the pit where she would never come out of?
Did he know that she felt useless, just wanting to die, just wanting him to know... that she still loved him...Even when he didn't care... even when he didn't unerstand... Even when he said goodbye.
Her life, my life, was spiraling... Their last kiss, their first kiss didn't mean anything to him.... like it had to her...
He didn't love her, and she was too blind to relize that she should have kept on, should have tugged onto him and showed him the light in her eyes, the sparkling tears that lit up the night...

But he would never know... any of it...
She would have to be strong, even when she felt the weight on her, crushing her bones, ripping her skin... She would just have to be there in the back of his mind, waiting until he realized what she had already known... But how long would it take him to understand? TO know that times were hard on her, just as they were on him, to realize that everybody had difficulties, and she wanted to see, she made effort, and when she asked him to come over, he denied her. He denied going to her birthday party, denied seeing her that very day that he let her go. Should she be a butterfly set free, fly away and never come back? Should she feel that the bow he kept her in was her only home, the place she felt safe in?

Would any of this even matter to him? Would he ever know how she felt inside and outsife? Only time would be the answer... Only he could be the one to decide... like he did before, without her...

[Black Wings]

I was sitting in my room, on my bed, listening to music. I think about everything when the music is playing. My memories unfold before me, my life spread out on a blanket, every note in a song is a memory, a space, a time, something that I remember. I plucked out the bad from the rest. One bad memory stuck out. It was the one where I learned the truth about my mother. I die a lot inside, I do that a lot. Maybe I'm dead. Maybe I'm a souless freak who is just a body in which works by itself.

The memory:
I was in my moms car. I waited while she was in the store. I saw a stack of paper and started to read them. Every line tore a vein from my body. Every letter struck me, a pain severing every bone, every muscle, every particle of my being. A man had written my mother a letter, detailing how their love life was. Allen was his name, and He was my true enemy. How dare this man come into my family disguised as a secret to steal my mother away? To sweep her off her feet in one movement and leave me in the dark? I vowed that day to never believe another person again. Every person, every place, every thing was worthless, insignificant to the big picture that I now saw in color while others were stuck in black and white. These colors were bright, new colors appeared, ones of which I have never layed eyes on. THe spectrum of light and darks appeared before me. Light and Dark did not go hand-in-hand. It was uneven. It was clear that the Dark had total control over the Light. The Light was no longer needed, the good in the world has disappeared. And I'm the only one whocan see it...

[Black Wings]

I feel like my life should be almost over. I feel older than I am. I Feel like I am physically young, but mentally old. Am I? I went to a physic once. She said I am an old soul. Am I? Was I meant for less? For more? Am I not whom I'm supposed to be? What if the truth was all that was false? Could I ever find the lies and seperate everything to lead me down the path which was truley meant for me?
What am I?
Who am I?
Why am I?...

[Black Wings]

My eyes flooded with tears... I had no reason to cry though, I just wanted to, had to. My face turned puffy and red. My eyes were bloodshot and pink. My cloths were wet with the salty water that fell from my eyes. I took out a notebook and wrote a list of things to cry over:
My mom,
My future
Death
Life
Heaven
Hell
Everything...

Was that my answer?