Blood

[Apollo]

The red rum, the horror it is,
the gruesome tales. The action in movies,
sacrifices and spells. If spilled,
it could cover everything, but it’s . . .
It’s not much in it’s container
Vampires drink it like we drink water
Werewolves have it on their muzzles.
Evil loves it, loves what it does, staining
memory, a thought, a weapon.
Some times it is shiny in the right light.
When the moon hits it, as it rolls
Down your hands and reflects all of your sin.
Battle with creatures, fighting for
honor or vengeance? . . .But all brings death and
none stop it, both bring it closer.

[Caer Ibormeith]

What the hell?! You have the time to post this AMAZING poem...but you can't bother to reply to our threads?!?!?! *sad* I commented your poem, comment mine? ( Yes, it rocks...no, you don't suck at writing...stop dissin yourself!!!)

[Larrin]

you put in the shout box a request for input as to what you might be doing 'wrong', So i will attempt to explain what i think it might be that rubs you the wrong way.

This poem works fine if your going for a sort of 'spoken verse' flow of consiousness, meant to express an outpouring of musings where the point is the flow of words, and the theme is almost secondary. if thats all you want, (and that is a perfectly legit goal for a poem), you've got it, and its a good start.

If you're going for the more 'emotional outpouring' where the theme is supposed to hit the reader and evoke feeling, then the problem is it doesn't maintain the proper tone through out to properly do that.

If you're going for the "emotional" poem, you need to cut out "pop" references (red rum, action films) and be less direct with terms like "sacrifice, spell, vampire, werewolf" and even "evil" If you're trying to get the reader into a nice dark mood, just dropping these words kind of jerks one out of the flow. if you're trying to sound mysterous, the word vampire isn't really that mysterious anymore, to be honest the line " Vampires drink it like we drink water" made me remember the scene in "where's waldo" (actually the great waldo search) where theres a big halloween party with vampires drinking "red punch" (or possibly red rum :P ). If you use more vauge, not-so-common-place terms like "fell fiend" for vampire and "dreaded beast" for werewolf, you give people something they don't really know exactly, and that adds to the mystery of the poem and avoids preconcieved stereotypes.


As caer said, It is NOT a bad poem. It can work just fine as a poem. But what (i think) bothers you is that you want it to make people 'feel' it more, and you don't think this accomplished that. For that you need to edit a few of the phrases so they aren't so 'obvious' and are more 'mysterious'

Does that make any sense???

[Apollo]

yeah i know what you mean . . only problem is that the words you said I shouldn't use are words I NEED. See I wrote it for a class and we did like words we think of when a word is given. (mine was blood) Then he said the words we came up with needed to be in the poem. So I can't change any whichh sucks but thank you for your opinion.

[Caer Ibormeith]

I agree with Larrin, but I am in your class, and I know the requirements...Are there any other words you thought of that you could use instead? I know I have a list of almost 30, blood could have a lot of less obvious words...

[Apollo]

no i used all of the words, i only had like 16 so i needed to use them all

[Larrin]

ahhhh, class project with limitations. That is the best possible way to kill a good poem, seriously, i remember writing those, the only ones worth while were the limerics. For a class project this poem will be just fine. Once you're free of those silly restrictions take some time to relish the freedom and make it what you want.

Larrin
fun alive nongenedered
A good listener
Ash

(did you have to write one of those too? )

[Apollo]

nice poem . . .i haven't had to write one of those yet. Thank you both for your opinions.

[Apollo]

It reigns supreme


the dark comes rolling in
great waves of passion and great awe.
then quietly it drives away the light
reflecting nothing but it’s self.
it comes and goes from sight and mind
then rolls back in next night after sunset.
it reigns supreme night after night,
it always looks like it will never stop.
but, sun rise comes and it retreats
fleeing from sight and our minds once again.
we smile and carry on our day
in fright of what’s to come.