Redneck Jokes!

[Caer Ibormeith]

Sorry if this offends anyone, it's just redneck jokes. Please add more... I am a redneck m'self!

Move this if you want. I had no clue where to put it...

REDNECK JOKES!!!

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How do you know when you're staying in a Kentucky Hotel?
When you call the front desk and say, "Ive gotta leak in my sink," and the person at the front desk says, "Go ahead."

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Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!

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What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw: in Mississippi?
A documentary.

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Where was the toothbrush invented?
Oklahoma. If it was anywhere else it would have been called a tooth brush.

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A Mississippi State Trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40.
He says to the driver, "Got any ID?"
The driver syas " 'Bout what?"

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Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Texas State Lottery?
The winner get $3 a year for a million years.

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Why did O.J. Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone else had the same DNA>

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Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Little Rock, Arkansas, burned down?
Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park.

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What's the best thing to ever come out of Arkansas?
I-40.

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Two Mississippians are walking down different ends of a street toward each other, and one is carrying a sack.
When they meet, one says, "Hey, Tommy Ray, wha'cha got in th' bag?"
"Jus' some chick'ns."
"If I guesses how many there are, can I have un?"
"Shoot, ya guesses right and I'll give ya both of 'em."
"O.K., ummmmm.............five?"

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What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas, and a hurricane in Florida have in common?
Somebody's fixin' to loose a trailer.

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A Mississippian came home and found his house on fire, he rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here, my house is on fire!"
"O.K.," replied the fireman, "How do we get there?"
"Shucks, don't you still have those big red trucks?"

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Why do folks inKentucky go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more?
'Cause 17 and under not admitted.

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Emmy Sue passed away and Bubba callede 911. The 911 poperator told Bubbe that she would send comeone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout iffen I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

[Caer Ibormeith]

You might be a Redneck Jedi if...

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You've ever said, "May the force be with y'all."

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You're Jedi robe is camouflage.

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You've ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill.

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At least one wing of your X-Wing is primer-colored.

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The front of your land speeder has bantha horns.

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You can describe the taste of Ewok.

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Your yard has ever had an X-Wing up on blocks.

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The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is them dad gum skeeters.

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Wookies are offended by your B.O.

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You've ever used the Force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

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You've ever used the Force in conjuction with fishing or bowling.

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Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son. 'mon over to the Drak Side. It'll be a hoot!"

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You've ever used your R-2 unit's self-defense electroshock thingy to light your barbeque grill.

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The hood of your land speeder is painted with a Confederate flag.

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You think Han Solo would look much better in a flannel than that sissy vest.

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You've ever fantasized about Princess Leah in Daisy Duke shorts.

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The doors of your X-Wing are welded shut and you have to vlimb in through the window.

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Although you had to kill him, you kinda think that Jabba the Hutt feller had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

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You ever fell in love with your sister.

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You've ever accidentally referrred to Darth Vader's evil empire as "them damn Yankees."

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You suggested that they outfit the Millenium Falcon with a redwood deck.

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You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels on the rocks during the cantina scene.

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In your opinion, that Darth Vader feller "just ain't right."

[Caer Ibormeith]

REDNECK ETIQUETTE:

General Rules

Never take a beer to a job interview.

Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

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Dining Out

When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the wine.

If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

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Entertaining at Home

A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.

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Personal Hygiene

While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

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Dating (outside the family)

Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff about you on the bathroom wall two years ago."

Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

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Theater Etiquette

Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

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Weddings

Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

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Driving Etiquette

When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

[Caer Ibormeith]

YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF...

• You were acquitted for murdering your first wife after she threw out your Elvis 45’s.


• You think watching professional wrestling is foreplay.


• Your front porch collapses and four dogs get killed.


• You no longer drink wine ever since the screw cap got caught up your nose.


• You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.


• That billboard that says, "Say No To Crack" reminds you to pull up your jeans.


• Your wife’s hairdo was ever ruined by a ceiling fan.


• You go to your family reunions looking for a date.


• You think a Volvo is part of a woman’s anatomy.


• Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.


• You’ve got more than three cousins named "Bubba".


• You have an Elvis Jell-O mold.


• Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.


• You’ve got more than one other named "Darryl".


• You ever won first prize in a tobacco spittin’ contest.


• On Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.


• You’ve ever come home and found crime scene tape across your front porch.


• Your favorite entree is Spam barbecued on the grill.


• Your child’s first words were, "Attention K-Mart shoppers!".


• Your idea of high-quality entertainment is a six-pack and a bug-zapper.


• Your whole family is Democrats except little Mary. She got to readin’.


• You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines."


• You kissed your own wife at midnight at the New Year’s Eve party.


• You’ve ever taken reading material into an airplane restroom.


• You’ve ever gotten an official letter of recognition from a tobacco or beer company.


• You vacuum the sheets instead of washing them.


• You’ve ever valet parked a snow plow.


• You’ve ever stood in line to have your picture made with a freak of nature.


• You break wind in public and blame it on your kid.


• You’ve ever had to siphon gas from your lawn mower to put into your truck.


• You’ve ever paid for a six-pack of beer with pennies.


• There are hubcap wind chimes anywhere on your block.


• You have a Bud Light pool-table light hanging over your dining room table.


• The strongest smell in your house is butane.


• You think paprika is a Third World country.


• You ask the preacher, "How’s it hanging?"


• You go to a stock car race and don’t need a program.


• You have a bumper sticker that says, "My mother’s an honor student" at the local junior high.


• You think potted meat on a saltine is an hors d’oeuvre.


• You played the banjo in your high school band.


• The velvet paintings in your house were bought from an art dealer on the side of the highway.


• You have no hubcaps on your car because you’re using them to feed your hunting dogs.


• You can’t visit relatives without getting mud on your tires.


• Your mother doesn’t put shoes on to go grocery shopping.


• You’ve ever been blacklisted by a bowling alley.


• You honest-to-God think women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.


• Anyone in your family has ever purchased peroxide in a gallon container.


• You don’t think baseball players spit and scratch too much.


• You’ve ever been to a wedding reception at the Waffle House.


• Your dog has ever brought home something that you cooked for dinner.


• You owe a taxidermist more than your monthly income.


• You’ve ever caught bugs just so you could throw them in the bug zapper.


• You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.


• You’ve ever hollered, "Rock the house, Bubba!" during a piano recital.


• Your kids’ favorite bedtime story is "Curious George and the High Voltage Fence."


• Your watchband is wider than any book you’ve ever read.


• You know who is actually leading the Winston Cup series.


• You’ve ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.


• Your favorite beer company cannot afford to advertise.


• You’ve ever barbecued Spam on the grill.


• You time your belches to achieve a personal best.


• Your new job promotion means that the company foots the bill to have your name sewn on your shirts.


• The fountain at your wedding spewed beer instead of champagne.


• Your favorite restaurant has the word "eats" anywhere in the name.


• There’s graffiti on the bathroom wall in your own house.


• You have grease under your toenails.


• Your idea of a romantic evening is sharing the same spit cup with your girlfriend at a tractor pull.


• The most common phrase you hear at your family reunion is "What the hell are you lookin’ at Diphead?"


• Your best coon hound gets a birthday present and your wife doesn’t.


• Your mother has more chest hair than your father.


• You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.


• You think a manicure is some kind of French doctor.


• Your mama saves aluminum foil.


• You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.


• You clean your house with a water hose.


• During the wedding ceremony the minister said, "Do you, DeWayne, take Connie to be your old lady?"


• The game warden knows the serial numbers to your guns by heart.


• You pawned your grandfather’s pocket watch because you needed beer money for the weekend.


• You took your coon dogs on your honeymoon.


• You drive across town to see a car wreck.


• It’s impossible to see food stains on the fabric of your work uniform.


• You think that anyone with ten fingers and toes is abnormal.


• You need one more hole punched in your card before you get a "freebie" at the House of Tattoos.


• You have a personal account of a UFO sighting.


• You think a hard drive is driving more than one hour.


• You’ve ever taken a generator and a 27-inch TV camping.


• You help booby trap your family’s marijuana crop.


• You have ever made a frog-gigging spear.


• The last time you saw your daddy outside, he was picking up trash, chained to three other guys.


• Your mother’s only shoes are house slippers.


• Your sewage system consists of a pipe down a hillside.


• You wear knee-high stockings with a skirt.


• You follow the tractor pull circuit.


• You have more electronic equipment in your truck than in your house.


• Your primary income involves pigs or manure.


• Your best sofa came out of a Chevrolet.


• Your favorite T-shirt is declared offensive in at least 13 states.


• You were expelled from summer school.


• You’ve ever been asked for your autograph at a rattlesnake roundup.


• You attend a parent-teacher conference wearing flip-flops.


• Your baby’s crib mobile is made out of beer cans.


• You’ve ever been asked to leave Shoney’s all-you-can-eat breakfast.


• You have a grave in your yard.


• You’ve ever stolen toilet paper.


• You think the theory of relativity has something to do with inbreeding.


• Your deceased hunting dog’s tombstone is larger than your grandfather’s.


• You wake up in the morning already dressed for work.


• You think the police can’t see you because your truck is painted camouflage.


• Your car ashtray is so packed, you can’t get it out.


• You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.


• You’re driving a vehicle with no original body parts.


• You quit your job because deer season’s fixin’ to start.


• Your sister is the third generation of women in your family to conceive a baby due to an alien abduction.


• You’ve ever gotten into a fist fight over a bowling score.


• You’re a member of the "Chaw of the Month Club."


• Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.


• You’ve ever been hunting on a tractor.


• Your yard has more than ten ceramic figurines.


• You think the ultimate beauty treatment is using Preparation-H to prevent wrinkles.


• You must go through more than 2 gates to get to your home.


• You’ve never seen a film with subtitles.


• You own a pair of cut-offs made from double-knit pants.


• You have to go outside to get something out of the fridge.


• You’ve ever talked back to characters on the movie screen.


• You won’t stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.


• Your kids hide the Easter eggs under cow patties.


• Your kids trip over the Christmas lights while hunting for Easter eggs.


• Three-fourths of all the clothes you own have logos on them.


• When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is how to lose them.


• Your gene pool doesn’t have a "deep end."


• You can’t marry your sweetheart because there is a law against it.


• You’ve ever laid rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.


• Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.


• You dated your daddy’s current wife in high school.


• You’ve ever towed another car using panty hose and duct tape.


• Your coat of arms features a tire iron.


• You own a denim leisure suit.


• You use Armor-All on your leather jacket.


• Your spare tire is a cement block.


• The UFO hotline limits you to one call per day.


• Your spring wardrobe mostly involves using scissors.


• Your tires are worth more than your truck.


• You tried to claim "loss of teeth" as an exemption on your taxes.


• Your daddy’s legacy is a gun rack and Jerry Clower’s autograph on a Stuckey’s napkin.


• You bought your best pair of shoes off the impulse rack by the register.


• You think beef jerky and Moonpies are two of the major food groups.


• You take out a home improvement loan to buy a new camper shell.


• You and six of your neighbors split a cable bill.


• Jack Daniels makes your list of most admired people.


• You prefer car keys to Q-tips.


• You have a sign on your front door explaining house rules and liability.


• People don’t recognize your car without a dead animal on the hood.


• Your mailbox holds up one end of your clothesline.


• You participate in a "Who can spit tobacco the farthest?" contest.


• You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball cap.


• You’re not actually able to read The Richard Petty Story, but you do like to look at the pictures.


• You’ve ever had to appear in court because of your dogs.


• The front license plate of your car has the words "Foxy Lady" written in airbrush.


• Your checks feature pictures of dogs fighting.


• Any of your honeymoon plans involve a deer camp.


• All of your favorite shirts came with a two-pack purchase of cigarettes.


• You have a hook in your shower to hang your hat on.


• You have ever tried to use food stamps to mail a watermelon.


• You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.


• You refer to your beer gut as "the old tool shed."


• You’ve ever stolen a Neighborhood Watch sign to put in your yard.


• Your boots cost more than your wedding ring.


• You’ve ever vacationed in a rest area.


• You always thought "Guns and Roses" was something you get for your anniversary.


• You proposed in a Denny’s.


• The passengers enter your vehicle through the driver’s-side door.


• You had to hitchhike on your honeymoon.


• You think "Chablis" is the name of last month’s Playboy centerfold.


• You save cooking grease in a coffee can.


• You inherited a Styrofoam cooler.


• There’s no cutoff age for sleeping with your parents.


• Your doghouse and your living room both have the same shag carpet.


• You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.


• You’ve ever had to move a car seat to make love.


• You’re familiar with Copenhagen but have never heard of Denmark.


• Your favorite restaurant has a gas pump in front of it.


• You think a stock tip is advice on wormin’ your hogs.


• You don’t have a home phone.


• You think "Ross Perot" is how your cousin Ross got out of jail early.


• You think "trash TV" is something in your backyard.


• Stealing road signs is a family outing.


• You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.


• You’ve ever changed the numbers on your house so the police can’t find you.


• You have an above ground pool and you fish in it.


• Your bathroom deodorizer is a box of kitchen matches.


• An expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.


• You thing "megabytes" means a good day fishing.


• You’ve ever picked up a woman in a convenience store.


• Your deer stand has an address.


• You have more things with Hank Williams Jr.’s name on them than your own.


• You think a lavatory is a breed of dog.


• You’ve ever taken a date flowers you’ve stole from a cemetery.


• You’ve ever relieved yourself from a moving vehicle.


• You use old auto parts as a boat anchor.


• Your pickup truck and wife are the same age.


• Your favorite cologne is Deep Woods Off.


• You’ve ever given livestock as a wedding present.


• You think safe sex means putting on the emergency brake.


• People hear your car a long time before they see it.


• Your 23-channel CB radio is used to communicate with your family.


• Your bridal veil was made of window screen.


• You call your boss "dude."


• You repaint your pink flamingo every spring
• But not your house.


• You have ever carried leftovers home in your handbag.


• You think an oil change involves a comb and a bottle of Vitalis.


• You whistle to get the attention of your waiter or waitress.


• Your college graduation ceremony includes parallel parking an 18-wheeler.


• You think ribs come from Europe.


• Your toothbrush is a hand-me-down.


• The nearest liquor store is brewing in your basement.


• Your Friday nights consist of lots of Budwieser and a mechanical bull.


• You have used a potato peeler to remove a corn.


• The Marlboro man is your idol.


• You see a sign that says "dip in road" and you stop to see what flavor it is.


• You think a canopy goes under the bed instead of over it.


• You’ve ever had a conversation about truck tires that lasted more than an hour.


• You’ve ever fished from over a fence.


• You have ever taken lawn furniture to a drive-in.


• Your state senator is willingly photographed with no shirt and a leather vest on a Harley, but refuses to take a Breathalyzer test.


• You think virgin wool comes from ugly sheep.


• You keep catfish in your aquarium.


• You think truffles are a brand of potato chips.


• You’ve ever bought a used cap.


• You know all the verses to the "Hee Haw" song.


• Your car breaks down on the side of the road and you never go back to get it.


• Your greatest accomplishment is the 10-pound turnip you grew.


• Any of your hobbies require dogs and a lantern.


• You think people who have electricity are uppity.


• You know how to milk a goat.


• You’ve ever committed a crime with a lawn mower.


• Your two best friends are named Skeeter and Possum.


• You’ve ever hollered, "You kids quit playin’ on that sheet metal."


• Your idea of water conservation is moving your Saturday night bath to every other Saturday night.


• Your idea of summer vacation is running through a sprinkler in the front yard.


• You’ve ever named a child for a good dog.


• There are four pairs of pants and two squirrels hanging from your clothesline.


• Your local newspaper has a front-page feature called "Cow of the Week."


• You don’t need a clean shirt to go to work.


• You bum a dip from your mother.


• You have the entire WWF slurpie cup collection proudly displayed on a shelf in your trailer.


• Your favorite mixed drink includes Yoo-Hoo.


• You think "Hooked on Phonics" is a fishing show.


• You’ve ever attended a dance at the bus station.


• Your guest bedroom is also your tool shed.


• You spend three days in line for Reba tickets.


• You can’t keep your cats out of your car at night because the interior smells like fried chicken.


• You think French onion dip is an exotic tobacco product.


• You drive more than thirty miles to save money on a pack of cigarettes.


• You spend most of your time in the laundromat so you can watch TV.


• Grass is growing in the floor boards of your car.


• The highlight of your day is finding the prize in a Cracker Jack box.


• The auto junkyard calls you to get spare parts.


• You own a flamingo with buckshot holes in it.


• Your third-grade class has a no-smoking section.


• Your wife left you for last year’s winner of the hog-calling contest.


• Your flashlight holds more than four batteries.


• It took the smartest kid in your 6th-grade class three times to pass his driving test.


• You cut your wedding cake with a chain saw.


• You cut your toenails in front of company.


• A woman says she’s game, so you shoot her.


• Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.


• You ask for the honeymoon suite at the Motel 6.


• You hear a siren and your first instinct is to hide.


• You use a bedsheet as a sofa cover.


• You use the shaving cream made for tough beards
• And so does your husband.


• You regularly see kinfolks on "America’s Most Wanted."


• You refuse to slide in softball because you don’t want to crush your cigarettes.


• The emergency room nurse knows everyone in your family by name.


• Your car has more than two exhaust pipes.


• People come to your door mistakenly thinking you have an auto salvage business.


• Your house plants aren’t in pots.


• You think the stock market has a fence around it.


• You wear a tank top to your mother’s funeral.


• Your front yard looks like a Toys R Us after a tornado.


• You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.


• Everything you won at the fair is hanging from your rearview mirror.


• You’ve ever accepted an invitation written on a bathroom wall.


• Making beer is a neighborhood project.


• You clean your fingernails with a stick.


• You’ve ever gotten in fist fight in a laundromat over a dryer.


• There is a restraining order on your pets.


• You secretly get your firewood from your neighbor’s yard.


• You wipe your feet before you walk out of your house.


• Your 5-year-old can rebuild a carburetor.


• Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.


• You take a nap with at least one hand tucked inside your pants.


• Your best jacket has an advertisement on the back of it.


• Your car insurance deductible is higher than the value of your car.


• In preparation for your upcoming wedding, your register your Tupperware pattern.


• You are famous for your impression of a dog choking on a chicken bone.


• You consider tattooing a do-it-yourself job.


• One of your fantasies involves a bulldozer.


• Your wife’s best shoes have steel toes.


• Your picture is on the wall of more than three bait stores.


• Your favorite NASCAR souvenir is the result of a wreck.


• You buy a police scanner to keep up with your relatives.


• You’ve ever used a laundromat as a mailing address.


• You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.


• Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.


• You’ve ever gotten carbon monoxide poisoning while driving your vehicle.


• Your screen door has no screen.


• There are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.


• The receptionist is responsible for checking the rat traps at your place of business.


• Your family reunion is sponsored by a beer company.


• Your church has a "happy hour."


• You’ve ever shot someone over a mall parking space.


• There is trophy in your house with the word "spitting" on it.


• You open beer bottles with your belt buckle.


• You’ve ever filled your deer tag on a golf course.


• You tell Grandpa he has something in his teeth and he takes them out to see.


• You use the "O" on the stop sign in front of your house to sight in your new rifle.


• You punish your children by taking away their chewing tobacco.


• You think every bottle of wine comes with a screw cap.


• You wear your softball uniform even on the days you’re not playing.


• Your pickup truck used to be a car.


• Your favorite fishing lure is TNT.


• Your dates regularly expect you to light their cigars.


• You stockpile pork and beans.


• Your daddy handed out cigarettes the day you were born.


• You use baling wire to keep your car door closed.


• Your mom is lighting bottle rockets with her cigarette while walking the children on Halloween.


• You’ve ever lost your wife in a poker game.


• Your house feels a bit lonely when winter comes and the last fly dies.


• You send your kid in for treatment because you think he’s hooked on phonics.


• The air freshener hanging in your car lost its scent more than 5 years ago.


• There are more than 5 animals sleeping in your bed.


• Your best pick-up line for women is written on your baseball cap.


• You had a receding hairline in the 6th grade.


• You think "social consciousness" means how well you can hold your liquor.


• You spit on your own floor.


• Your bring a bar of soap to a public pool.


• You keep a pellet gun by the front door.


• You’ve ever participated in a burp-off.


• You’ve ever heckled during a eulogy.


• Your wife puts Bean-O on everything you eat.


• Your dog rides in the front seat and your kids ride in the back.


• You taught your children how to play "Pull My Finger."


• You own half a pickup truck.


• The church social committee is afraid to meet at your house.


• You own a trophy that includes the words "cow chip toss" on it.


• You’ve ever made love on a tire swing.


• The first question your mother asks upon checking into the motel is, "Where’s the nearest liquor store?"


• You show strangers your war wound.


• Your mailing address includes the word "holler."


• The Salvation Army comes to your house and takes the wrong furniture.


• There are antlers nailed to the outside of your house.


• You fill up the bathtub just to test out a fishing lure.


• Your Thanksgiving centerpiece has ever been prepared by a taxidermist.


• You own every Box Car Willie album.


• You refer to your dog as your youngest.


• You select a date’s corsage to match her tattoo.


• You’re over 30 and still giving other people "wedgies."


• You have three first names.


• Turning on your lights involves pulling a string.


• You’ve ever water-skied in your underwear.


• You throw a beer can out the truck window and your wife shoots it.


• Your garbage man is confused about what stays and what goes.


• The hood of your truck is higher than the roof of your house.


• You think a dashboard is the best place to keep your hats.


• For your first anniversary you take your wife to dinner at the Wal-mart snack bar.


• You’ve ever slow danced at a Waffle House.


• You videotape fishing shows.


• You’ve ever had sex while wearing work gloves.


• There is more carpet on your toilet than on your floors.


• Your wedding toast was made with a quart of Old Milwaukee.


• You hang pickled eggs and pop-tops from your Christmas tree.


• Your chili’s secret ingredient comes from a bait shop.


• Someone asks, "Where’s your bowling bag?" and you answer, "She’s at home with the kids."


• Your masseuse uses lard.


• Your family’s #1 enemy is revenuers.


• Your Christmas tree has a deer stand in it.


• When describing your kids, you use the phrase "dumb as a brick".


• Your favorite cap says, "Babymaker."


• You’ve ever done your Christmas shopping at a truck stop.


• You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.


• You get Odor-Eaters as a Christmas present.


• You are allowed to bring your dog to work.


• Chiggers are included on your list of top five hygiene concerns.


• The flood history of your area can be seen on your living room walls.


• Your wife has been involved in more than six bar room brawls in the last two weeks.


• Your wife has a set of earrings that you use as a fishing lure.


• You fish coins out of public fountains.


• Your Grandma keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.


• Your neighbor has a refridgerator on his front porch stocked with beer so he won't have to get off the sofa to welcome friends.


• You put a 5 dollar bill in a pop machine.


• You steal money from the Salvation Army buckets.


• You have ever been evicted from a place you own.


• You live in El Reno, Oklahoma.


• You stare at a can of orange juice, because it says "concentrate."


• You take your wife to your mistress's wedding.


• You use channel locks for a nose hair trimmer.


• It took you twenty years to figure out how to add single digit numbers.


• You spit in the skillet to check the temperature.


• Your father is in the same grade you are.


• The best 5 years of your life were in the second grade.


• Your richest relative invites you over to take the wheels off his new trailer.


• You're on your third marriage and still have the same in-laws.


• Your 14 year old daughter smokes at the dinner table - in front of her two kids.


• On the 4th of July you spend it at the waffle house beside a drunk while waiting to get your pastor out of jail (true story).


• A full tank of gas doubles the value of your truck.


• You win the lottery and buy a double wide trailor.


• Your wife is so ugly you take her everywhere you go so you never have to kiss her good-bye.


• You have to use a ladder to get in your truck.


• You ever fly a kite with a fishing pole.


• You wear flannel shirts no matter what season it is.


• You have more than 5 fast food bags in your car.


• Rocky Top is your favorite song (for all the Vols fans!).


• Your divorce granted from first wife and your license to wed to your second wife are in the same newspaper.


• Your girlfriend thinks you're a real gentleman because you only scratch your crotch while playing softball.


• You stop picking your nose in traffic long enough to wink at the girl next to you.


• You found your wife's christmas present along side the road.


• You think the Roman Empire has somthing to do with a cell phone.


• Your mother kicked you out of the house because you pawned her favorite chainsaw to buy a deer tag.


• You have to keep a step ladder handy to open your truck door for your girlfrend.


• You ever been rushed to the emergency room because you swallowed your redman.


• Your daughter gets married before you do.


• When finally mowing your lawn, you find an engine block you didn't know was there.


• You have the bail bondsman on speed dial.


• You think the "Nutcracker" is something you do on the high dive.


• Your excuse for missing your oldest sons grauation is, "Hell woman, you think the crappie bite like this all year?"


• You hear somone mention the depression and you think they are talking about when Bubba's Market ran out of Skoal.


• You just hate getting strip searched by the guard every time you go visit your cousin Bubba.


• You've ever asked an Amish guy on a horse and buggy if he thought he could out run your John Deer.


• You've ever asked a priest why he's wearing that sissy turtleneck.


• Your favorite event at a wedding is the spittin' contest.


• Your momma makes two turkeys for Thanksgiving, one for the family and the other for the dogs.


• You have to camofladge your best crops when a helicopter flies over.


• Your mother always said keep your nose clean and from this day on you pick your nose.


• You cook perogies in beer.


• You and your best friend paint flames on your car and it looks better.


• You've ever returned bottles so you could buy beer with the deposit money.


• Your ashtray is too full, so you use the floor.


• You use a gas can to fill up your pick up truck.


• You use dental floss to restring your banjo.


• You have a trophy from a tractor pull.


• Your favorite song has the name of a truck company in it.


• You have to climb the town's water tower to save your sister's honor.


• You and your dad walk to school together because you are in the same grade.


• Your dad plays "the pull my finger" joke at family gatherings.


• You have more deer heads on your wall than family portraits.


• You go to a bar to cheer on your mother in mud wrestling.


• Your pillow case doubles as your bowling bag.


• You keep your fingernails long to open you snuff can.


• You think the internet is something you use fishing.


• You have more insurance on your hunting dog than you do on your house.


• When someone asks to see your kids you show them the goats.


• You have to take out a loan to pay off the tire store.


• You ever shot a deer with a tater gun.


• You have ever worn camo to a funeral.


• Your idea of home security is keeping all the guns loaded.


• You have ever been too drunk to fish.


• You're at a family reunion and you wear a shirt that says,"I'm related to you!!!"


• Your belt buckle doubles as an I.D.


• You bum a smoke from your third grade kid.


• You know which leaf is best to use when you're out of toilet paper.


• When you brought your baby home, it slept in a dresser drawer.


• Your halloween jack-o-lantern has more teeth than your wife.


• You are the youngest in the family and the first to graduate.


• Your neighbors refer to you as the pig farmers and you don't have any pigs.


• You play pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey and get four teeth kicked out.


• You think think the phrase "chicken out" means one of your pets has escaped.


• You refer to your wife and mother-in-law as "dual air bags."


• You've had a custody fight over a hunting dog.


• You burn your lawn instead of mowing it.


• You bring a video camera to a funeral.


• You have ever mowed the grass and found a car.


• You have more than 3 family members by the name of Billy Bob.


• You swallow a minnow just to impress the lady cashier at the local bait shop.


• You flick rubber bands at cock roaches.


• You wait all night to shoot one mouse with your grandma's BB gun.


• You take your car to the repair shop to have the donut tires rotated.


• You make change in the offering plate.


• You can recite your vowels in one burp.


• You practice your cow chip throwing techniques while they're still fresh.


• You take a bag to an All-You-Can-Eat bar.


• You use your native language, to cuss at your kids, to cover up the fact that you are a redneck in your native country.


• Your favorite stick is your fishing pole.


• Your favorite shoes were bought at a yard sale


• Your bathroom is your favorite make-out place.


• None of these jokes are making sense to you.


• You use your weed whacker as a toothpick.


• Your wreath is made out of beer cans.


• You use duct tape as bikini wax.


• You learned the alphabet by eating Cambpell's alapahbet soup.


• Your engine is duct-taped to your car.


• Your outhouse is in your front yard.


• You wear your Mom's dress that she wore at her funeral.


• You clean your toilet with the tooth brush that you use every day.


• You have sheep in your backyard because they never, ever tell.


• Your favorite song is --------Old McDonald!!!!!


• Your toilet seat says "Sit Here".


• When you were younger you sold fresh, cold pee as ice-cold lemonade.


• PMS stands for "Parent Medical System."


• You bathe your cat in the toilet.


• You use your shower curtain as your Prom dress.


• You use your shoe as a tobacco can.


• You use your water gun as a shower sprayer.


• You use your boxers as a surrender flag.


• Your trasportaion is your boat.


• Your favorite place is your deerstand.


• You think dingle berries are a fruit.


• You strung Christmas lights on an old truck parked in your yard.


• You give your best bud a carton of cigarrettes as a wedding gift
.

• The tailgate on your truck is also your lawn furniture.


• Your at a family reuniuon, your mother-in-law goes to the bathroom and then says, "Y'all come look at this 'fore I flush it."


• You had to call the police department to get your flare gun back.


• You use the CD-ROM drive on your computer to hold your beer.


• You've ever had sex in a sattelite dish.


• You own more than 5 trucks that you need ladders to get into.


• You have a piece of cardboard that says "No Trespassing" beside your front door.


• Your wife's idea of a sanitary napkin is one of your dirty work socks left beside the toilet.


• You always start a story with "Y'all aint gonna believe this!"


• You think that "Winnie-the-Pooh" is something your Granny just left on the rug.


• You have three kids named: Peggy Sue, Peggy Jean, & Billy Bob.


• Your truck has a variety or different make of parts (ex. Chevy radiator, Dodge starter, Ford body).


• You eat your daily road-kill out of the same dirty bowl every night.


• You bring home from school a certificate as "The Best Reader in the Fourth Grade" for three years in a row.


• Your pick-up has four new tires and none of them are the same size


• You go to the bank for a loan and the loan officer asks to see the stock you have listed as collateral, so you bring in the three hogs you bought last month at the auction.


• Your life savings is buried in your back yard.


• You walk the ends off your jeans instead of hemming them.


• You thought the Y2K Bug was a new species of insect.


• You thought the Sega Dreamcast was a new fishing rod.


• You buy your china as a grocery store special every week.


• Your neighbor uses left-over house paint to paint his car.


• You use mason jars to make lamps.


• Your grandma gives you a wedding present wrapped in christmas paper.


• You can see all your family members when you're in your own bed.


• Your dad guts one of the old TV's for a another knick-knack shelf.


• You think beef stroganoff is when the bull is playing with himself.


• The other 13 trailers out back of yours belong to your children and their families.


• All you want for Christmas is deer pee.


• Your 2-year old has more teeth than you do.


• Your dog can smoke a cigarette.


• You think "Old Yeller" refers to your brother's tooth.


• You have a house that's mobile and 16 cars that aren't.


• You have more than 4 vehicles up on blocks in your yard.


• You buy a padded headboard to practice safe sex.


• You spray-painted your dog hunters orange to, "make him look more decent like."


• You've been on TV more than 5 times describing what the tornado sounded like.


• Your best laundry bag is made by Hefty.


• You're going up the highway and hear a kid ask his mom if he can get out and push their car too!


• You've ever worn a tie with a flannel shirt.


• Someone accuses you of lying through your tooth.


• You were allowed to drink beer and date the teacher all through high school.


• You painted your truck camouflage and now you can't find it.


• You've ever sold your car for gas money.


• You've ever picked up your girlfriend in a John Deere.


• Your wife wears tight leather and it makes her look like a re-tread.


• Your brother is your wife's favorite son.


• Your lawn mower gets better millage than your car.


• You run a garden hose from outside, through a window to fill your indoor hot tub.


• Your local funeral home has a drive-thru.


• When you buy your new bride a burned down trailer and tell her you're gonna "fix it up a little" (true story).


• You heard that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so you moved.


• You refer to deer hunting as a religion.


• You wore camoflauge to your wedding.


• Truck drivers tell your wife to watch her language.


• You wear a tube top to a wedding.


• You think good china is China without any Chinese people.


• You use your computer as a stereo.


• Someone can circumcise you by kicking your little sister in the jaw.


• The most common prase in your house is "someone go jiggle the handle."


• You purposely feed the cockroaches.


• You shop lift from a yard sale.


• Your uncle's 14 year old kid is out in the front lawn and sayin "Ai Pane Ai Pane."


• You itch your butt in front of your wife.


• Are missing a lot of teeth.


• You have beer cans all over your yard.


• You don't take a shower for a long time.


• You use the word ain't a lot.


• You miss your 5th grade graduation becasue your are called for jury duty.


• Your sister is also your aunt.


• Your toilet is a 5 gallon bucket.


• You have 500 men working under you and you cut grass at the cemetery.


• You can spit tobbaco juice through the holes in your truck's floorboard.


• Your sister has ever asked to borrow the backhoe.


• Somebody says, "HO DOWN" and your wife falls to the ground!!


• You pave your parking spot just because your neighbor calls you a red neck.


• The first thing you do in the morning is check your critter trap, and you're dissapointed when it is empty.


• You scratch your butt at night and smell your hand in the morning.


• You've ever had to put on a pair of boots to go to the bathroom.


• Your deer stand has an address.


• You and your dog have the same toilet.


• There is anyone named Cletus in your family.


• You've ever attended a Gun and Knife show as a dealer.


• You have a motor swinging from a tree in your yard,a dog tied to the fence post,and someone sitting in a rocking chair that's over 75 and has a Remingtom 12 gauge ,a spit cup, and Copenhagen in the back pocket.


• You have a peeing contest with your wife and she wins.


• You have a tattoo that says "I Love My Mommy" and mommy is spelled wrong.


• You shop-lift from Goodwill.


• Your family gathers for Monday Night RAW.


• You know what a jockey lot is and you go more than once a week.


• You've ever used a toaster to light your cigarette.


• You're on a date and you see a childhood friend and you tell your date "she is like my sister" and that makes her worried.


• You refuse to shave or bathe until you've bagged your first deer of the season.


• Your first name consists of initials.


• You nick-name children "possum" and "critter."


• You wear camouflage pants with a plaid flannel shirt and combat boots.


• You call your wife "ma" and want her to call you "pa".


• You own a badly made, ugly gun cabinet that you made in wood shop.


• The only songs you know on guitar are Lynard Skynard songs.


• Hank Williams, Jr. is your hero.


• You use the word "man" at least four times in each sentence you speak.


• You carry a gun to the store "just in case the car breaks down and a stranger approaches to help."


• You spray crawling bugs with hair spray and light them on fire with a lighter.


• Directions to your house include "turn off the paved road"


• You exclaim "Whoo, Doggy , tell ya what!!" when you see your coon hound have pups on your living room floor.


• You have ever used spit tobacco as a fish attractant.


• You call toilet paper a leaf and a toilet a bucket.


• You have used a rag as a gas cap.


• Your 5 year old calls your mother MOM and YOU Debbie.


• Your own farts don't seem to smell so bad.


• You know exactly how long it takes for pizza to get fuzzy in the fridge.


• You have an aunt-mom and uncle dad.


• You think that "HANK" of "Huntin with Hank" is a real fine actor (BTW Hank is the dog).


• You had your own parking space in Jr High.


• You have a "church" cap.


• You pull the legs off of flys then toss them into the air to see how long it takes them to "crash land".


• Your idea of the newspaper is a 14 year old copy of Dog Fancy.


• Your mom is your sister,aunt and your dads mother.


• Your house has more miles on it than your car does.


• Your old toilet now serves as a flower pot in your front yard.


• You made your fishin pole outta popcicle sticks.


• You have to fill your toilet up with lake water to use the bathroom.


• Your computer don't work cuz the cat ate the mouse.


• Your bathroom is 50 feet away from your house.


• You think a date is going out mooning people.


• You took your sister/brother to the prom.


• You think dressing up is putting on all your camo.


• You keep all your guns in a fire-proof locked safe and everything else out in the open.


• You have a bumper sticker that says, "Kiss the crack below my back."


• Your idea of camping in the woods is inviting the family over and pitching a couple of tents in the back yard.


• You have to watch for cow patties when you play golf.


• Your lawn tractor has a better paint job than your car.


• Your lawn mower is a goat.


• You can eat an ear of corn and spell "Home Sweet Home" on it.


• You base the purchase of a refridgerator on how many cases of beer it holds.


• Your children look more like your brothers-in-law than your husband you are worried that he might notice.


• You make your dogs sleep on top of the house in the rain because you can't afford to patch the roof.


• You go to a drive through the person at the window asks you to shut off your engine because it's too loud.


• You go to a drive through you have to open your door because your window hasn't rolled down in 5 years.


• Your daughter thinks she a reincarnation of Xena because she has nightmares about her.


• You tell everyone your wife is the reincarnation of Ares, the god of war.


• You buy your wife camouflage lingerie.


• You borrow a sleeveless T-shirt from your Mom.


• Your living room furniture doubles as your camping gear.


• You have to steal your neighbor's paper to see what the date is or you are out of toilet paper.


• You can grunt like a deer and you are proud of it.


• When you think of the planet Saturn you think of your mother-in-law at the same time.


• Your way of seeing if you need to bathe is by sticking your hand between your butt cheeks and smelling it.


• You rake your carpet because the sweeper motor is being used for your truck.


• You have a working television on top of a broken one.


• The gazebo in your yard is bigger than your trailer.


• You have a pallet in your yard with tires stacked on it.


• Your garage is so full you can't park your car in it.


• You spent more money on a souvenier Clint Black shirt, than on your whole wardrobe.


• You have two pairs of jeans, and six pairs of boots.


• Your front yard has any broken appliances in it.


• You have gotten a warning to remove vehicles from your own back yard.


• You ever say "oh yeah I can fix it".


• Your favorite night of the week is the night before trash day.


• Your truck has any bondo on it.


• Your car has more than three bumper stickers with the word jesus on them.


• There is bungee cord holding your bumper on to your car.


• No matter how you clean your hands, the dirt under your nails won't come off.


• You think that duct tape works better than spot welding.


• You go to strip joints for family reunions.


• You re-use dental floss to save money.


• You can't work on Thursday night or you'll miss smack-down.


• You won't get your dog "fixed" because you never no when someone might want him to stud.


• Friday night is "sneak into the drive-in night".


• You have an air-conditioner on your front porch.


• You slam your truck's door and your 12 gauge makes a new sun roof.


• You have stuffed heads from the following: deer, a moose, a mallard, a Siamese cat, a largemouth bass, and your mother-in-law.


• That white tailed deer is being paid 10 bucks an hour to stand on a ladder behind your wall and stick his head in.


• Your dad pees on a rabbit's head while peeing off the back porch.


• Your dogs kill more animals than you do all hunting season.


• You and your son compete for the only single gal in town with all her teeth.


• You watch Jerry Springer to see if any of your relatives are on the show today.


• Your table cloth is a bed sheet.


• Your whole wardrobe is work boots, camoflage pants, a plaid flannel shirt, and a John Deere hat.


• The landscaping in your front yard is broken down cars.


• You drive your tractor along the high way.


• Your family reuinions consist of ex-wives.


• You need a truck to move your barbecue.


• Your toenails stick out the end of your tennis shoes.


• You let your 12 year old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.


• You have 10 cars in your front yard and only once of them isn't on blocks and the engine works.


• You take a six-pack cooler to church.


• You bum a pinch of chew from your girlfriend.


• You have a sign hanging in your living room that says "We interrupt this marriage to bring you deer season"


• You look both ways before crossing a one way street.


• You drive through your car port to park your blue Pinto in the backyard.


• Your birthday cake consisted of nothing but Twinkies.


• You shave your beard and find a french fry.


• You have ever asked your dad for the keys to his Mack.


• You can entertain yourself for more then an hour with a fly swatter.


• Your truck is stolen and sold by your mother to buy beer and Copenhagen.


• Your CB antenna on your truck doubles as your cane pole.


• You tip the waiter with change.


• Your honeymoon was featured on true stories of the highway patrol.


• You think 401k is your mother-in-law's bra size.


• Instead of buying your girlfriend candy and flowers, you spray paint her name on an overpass.


• You think 2 Pac Shakur is a Jewish holiday.


• Your local yellow pages has only 3 sections: places to get cigarettes, place to get liquor, and places to get bait.


• The library in your city ran out of the book "The ABC's of Belching".


• The seats in your car are also your living room furniture.


• You had to buy an 18-Wheeler for family vacations.


• You have a Rebel flag in your front yard!


• You have your t.v on top of empty beer cans and call it recycling.


• Your dishwasher consists of kids that you baby-sit.


• You think that the apple com-pu-ter is the latest in new fangled tech-o-nol-o-gee.


• The newspaper (the business) is the community toilet paper.


• The town policeman stops by so much, you know his 5th grade GPA.


• Your airplane cost you less than 15 hundred bucks and uses two stroke oil.


• You say "I tell you wut!" more than 3 times a day.


• Your daddy's last words were "Hey ya'll look what I can do!"


• Your lawn furniture was in your house last summer.


• Your car uses more oil than gas.


• You have ever used a turkey baster bulb to get something out of your ear.


• Your dog wants you to be the girl tonght.


• You use the car that is broken down in the driveway as a tool shed.


• Fine dining is the Waffle House.


• You've ever been in a fist fight with your best friend because he said his John Deere will out pull your Farmall.


• Your dog has a litter of puppies on your living room floor and no one notices.


• You fall in love with a girl and write "I Love You" using duck tape.


• You think "harass" are two words.


• Your race car looks and runs better than your own car.


• You get drunk while mowing the grass.


• You have a beer cooler on your riding lawn mower.


• You have ever opened a beer bottle with your truck door.


• hot dogs and pork-n-beans are your favorite Sunday night dinner.


• Your hair is five times as long in the back as it is on top.


• You put mud grips on your new Cadillac.


• Your Mama yells, "Close the screen door boy, you're letting all the bugs out!"


• You have no idea who the President is but you can name five NASCAR drivers in a single belch.


• You actually know what "puked a motor" means.


• You've ever been in a fist fight involving the phrase "Dale Earnhardt is the Intimidator".


• You think 7-11 is a grocery store.


• Your kids fall down in the house and get grass stains.


• You have to slide out of the passenger side of your truck because the driver's side door is jammed.


• If the dashboard of your work vehicle is covered with empty cigarette cartons and Mountain Dew bottles


• Your Daddy picks you up from school in a Swamp Buggy.


• You refer to Walmart as going to the mall.


• Your sister/brother is also your cousin.


• Your wife wears a dress on Sunday and one of you're flannel shirts over it.


• You go into an auto parts store and tell them you need a part for your Chevy and when they ask you make and model you answer, "They're all the same."


• You go coon hunting with a spot light instead of a dog.


• You hunt deer from a moving vehicle.


• Your wife's deer head hanging on the wall is bigger than yours.


• You take your wife fishing and she out fishes you and all your buddies.


• Your wife can out drink you or any of your friends and is willing to prove it.


• Your wife can belch louder than you can.


• You consider yourself the blacksheep of the family because you are the only one not living in a trailer house.


• Your mama spends more money fixing up her old trailer house than it cost to build a new brick home.


• Your mama has more gadgets and accessories on her pickup truck than you do.


• You got more antenas on your truck than the local TV station.


• You call a chicken a yard bird.


• You get a ticket cause you got a confederate flag as a front license plate.


• The police are lookin for you in a brown truck so you wiped off the mud a bit so they wouldn't recognize you.


• Your wardrobe consists of nothing but cammo and flannel.


• You see your grandmother naked and it turns you on.


• You have a transmission in your bathtub.


• You're homeschooled and you date someone in your class.


• Your Mama was ever asked to leave a Bingo game because of her language.


• You've ever put a tarp in the bed of your truck to use it as a swimming pool.


• You finally mow your front lawn and you find the pickup truck that you thought was stolen.


• You know exactly how many cans of spray paint it takes to paint a 1976 full size Chevy truck.


• The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.


• You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say cool whip on the side.


• You think a tv dinner consists of a RC Cola and a moonpie.


• You join the army for the free uniform.


• You wash your truck in a mud puddle.


• You spend more time with you truck than your family.


• Your kids eat on the floor while your dogs eat at the table.


• Your 80 year old grandma can shoot better than you.


• You have ever peed in the sink cuz your mom was hogging up the outhouse.


• Your beer can pyramid is taller than your trailer.


• You have to mow the hoods of your cars.


• You put a sign up that says "Billy Bob & Sally wedding --->" on a carboard sign in spray paint nailed to a tree.


• You have ever surrendered to the police in exchange for ciggaretes.


• You think "manual labor" is a Spanish ambassadar.


• You have ever had to gift-wrap a tire.


• Your dog's collar costs more than the clothes you are wearing.


• Your kid learns to shoot a gun before he learns his alphabet.


• You divorced your 1st. cousin, married your 2nd. cousin and are cheating with your 3rd. cousin.


• You found a toy boat in your toilet when you were taking a bath and started playing with it.


• You dust furniture with underwear.


• You sat on your roof with a loaded gun waiting for twelve midnight to roll around on Y2K.


• Your whole yard has chickens and cows in it.


• You not only pass the beans at the supper table but your teeth so Billy Bob can chew them also.


• You give Tic-Tacs out at Christmas instead of candy canes.


• You have the same meal for a week straight.


• You've got a tab at the ABC Liquor Store.


• Your father marries someone with the same last name as yours.


• You've ever driven a tractor to a family reunion.


• You buy something you already have.


• You're trying to start a 16 hp motor and your shed catches on fire.


• You think garabage pickin' is a hobbie.


• Your grandmother has to be taken out of bingo because of her language.


• Your wedding cake was made by Sara Lee.


• The figures on your wedding cake wore overalls.


• You have to change gears in your pickup by opening the hood and moving the gear arm, then jump back in before the truck drives off without you.


• Your screen name is JohnDeere.


• You think the unibomber was a wrestler.


• You think the quarterhorse is the ride outside of Wal-Mart.


• You've ever gotten a "lap" dance from your sister!


• The fairground's main attraction is to see who can throw cow pie the farthest!


• You take your dog on more vacations than your wife!


• The bouqet at your wedding was stolen from a cemetary.


• Your only time spent sober is the time spent getting another 6 pack.


• Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.


• You decorate the lawn mower with red Christmas lights at Halloween.


• You think Iraq is a high performance Camaro.


• Your pocket knife has ever been referred too as "Exhibit A".


• Your Sunday vest is green and consists of three different fishin' lures.


• You think that "loaden up the dishwasher" means getting your wife drunk.


• Your pick-up is at least 3 colors.


• All of the light switches in your house are wired to turn on the light on the front porch.


• You think coming from a broken home means your trailer has a flat.


• Both your house and car are on blocks.


• You have a cow tied to the front bumper of your broken down Chevy truck as a pet.


• You use coffee filters when you run out of toilet tissue.


• You think W.W.J.D stands for, "What would Junior do?"


• Any of your children were concieved under a stop light.


• You name your children after the cars they were concieved in.


• Your wife's bridal reception was at Wal-Mart.


• You call fast food hitting a deer at 60mph.


• You floss with barb wire.


• Your tire swing has a truck stilll attached to it.


• On cold nights, your dog sleeps on the bed and your wife dosn't.


• You are naked on laundry day.


• The words Nascar, tire, dog or shotgun appeared in your wedding vows.


• You pull one of your dogs loose teeth and keep it to have something to remember him by.


• Your idea of a family cook-out is the whole family gathering around the Chevy with the hood up.


• Your Computer has Winders 95 instead of Windows.


• Your moms maiden name is Bubba.


• Your sister has more hair on her legs than you do.


• Your dog can open a beer can for you.


• Your favorite fishing hole has more car parts in it than a junk yard.


• You think your sister is sexier than your wife.


• You and your dad share the same mistress.


• You ever told your Mom that she looks sexy in mini skirts.


• Your wife shaves her beard more than you shave yours.


• You thought Texas A&M is a root beer made in Texas.


• You ever had a riffle in your back at a wedding.


• You have a Confederate flag for bed sheets.


• You name your dogs after your favorite "Playboy" centerfold.


• You grandmother spits farther than you.


• You think the WWF is a romantic sport.


• Your porn collection is also called the family videos.


• You have at least five hunting dogs in your bed at night.


• You put a corn cobb on a screwdriver and call it a back-scratcher.


• You have a gun rack on the back of your bicycle.


• You get kicked out of the KKK for being a bigot.


• You got your pickup truck from a lake.


• You wore your Burger King hat to your Prom.


• If you think hocking loogies onto oncoming vehicles should be an Olympic sport.


• You get your 4-wheel drive stuck.


• Your mechanic looks under the front of your car or truck and asks if you work for the Roadkill Cafe.


• You have a rebel flag displayed on your truck.


• Your son Bubba J.r. uses his school locker as a gun cabinet.


• Your Mama has failed the 3rd. grade five times.


• You were born and raised in a pickup truck.

[Caer Ibormeith]

10 Shure-fire Ways to Tell If Your Computer Has Been Used By a Redneck...

• 10. The monitor is up on blocks.
• 9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
• 8. The six front keys have rotted out.
• 7. The extra RAM ports have truck parts stored in them.
• 6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
• 5. The password is "Bubba".
• 4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
• 3. There's a Coors can in the cup holder(CD-ROM drive).
• 2. The keyboard is camouflaged.

AND the number 1 way to tell if a redneck has been working on a computer is...

• 1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".

[Caer Ibormeith]

Designated drunkard
Rednecks don't let friends drive home drunk, they get drunk and ride with them.

Alabama Farmer
What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.

Redneck Fitness
You know you're a redneck when your stair master has an ashtray!

A Redneck Retaliation
A ventriloquist was making fun of rednecks with his dummy at a bar. Then an angry redneck stood up, rolled up his sleeves ,and yelled, "I resent that!"

The ventriloquist started apologizing to the redreck.

The redneck looked at him and said, " You stay outta this, I''m talking to the guy on your lap!!!!

Ba Ba Black Sheep
Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex.

"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Clem recalled.

"That sounds wonderful," said Jed.

"Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."

"Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"

"Baaaaa..."

Top 10 Reasons to Know You're a Redneck
1. Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife.
2. You wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer appreciation suppers, and vacations.
3. You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house.
4. You've never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket.
5. You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide rate and yields on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot recall your wife's birthday.
6. You have used a velvet leaf plant as toilet paper.
7. You have driven off the road while examining your neighbors crops.
8. You have borrowed gravel from the county road to fill potholes in your driveway.
9. You have buried a dog and cried like a baby.
10. You've used the same knife to make bull calves steers and peel apples.

Redneck Engineering Exam
1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.
2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? a) '66 Ford Fairlane b) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle c) '64 Pontiac GTO
3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?
4. A pulpwood cutter has chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The lot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tall-Boys will it take to cut the trees?
5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?
6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?
7. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?
8. A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain? For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have mufflers and uncracked windshields?
9. A Coal Mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?
10. How many generations will it take before cattle develop two legs shorter than the others because of grazing along a mountainside?

Backwoods High Tech
Backup - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods.
Bug - The reason you give for calling in sick.
Byte - What your pitbull done to cousin Jethro.
Chip - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in.
Terminal - Time to call the undertaker.
Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.
Digital - The art of counting on your fingers.
Diskette - Female Disco dancer.
Fax - What you lie about to the IRS.
Hacker - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking.
Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.
Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.
Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
Mac - Big Bubba's favorite fast food.
Megahertz - How your head feels after 17 beers.
Modem - What you do when the grass gets too high.
Mouse Pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.
Network - Scooping up a big fish before it breaks the line.
ROM - Where the pope lives.
Screen - Keeps mosquitoes off the porch.
Serial Port - A red wine you drink with breakfast.
Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year.
SCSI (pronounced scuzzi) - What you call your week-old underwear.

Tasties in a Half Shell
Q: Why did God invent armadillos?
A: So that rednecks can have 'possum on the half-shell.

Redneck Marriage
How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There is tobacco spit stains on BOTH sides of his pickup truck.

[Caer Ibormeith]

From: Hick
To: the Sticks
Dear Ma and Pa
Am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men gots to shave but it is not so bad, as they get warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc..., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, black eyed peas, grits, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different.
A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys gets sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags something awful.
The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting.
I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get into this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Gail


Stayin' Alive
A cowboy told his grandson the secret to a long life. He said, "You gotta sprinkle a little gunpowder on your oatmeal, see. If you do, you'll live to a nice ripe old age."
So the cowboy did this religiously every day, and sure enough, lived to the nice ripe old age of 96.
When he died he left behind 4 children, 8 grandchildren, 15 great-grandchildren
...and a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.


You might be a redneck if your daddy...
You might be a redneck if your daddy walked you to school and you are both in the same grade.
How do you know the Toothbrush was invented...
How do you know the Toothbrush was invented by a redneck?
Because it would have been named a Teethbrush if someone else had.


What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd...
What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common? Their last big hit was The Wall.


What do you call 88 rednecks...
What do you call 88 rednecks in an orgy? A family reunion.


132 legs and 8 teeth
Q: What has 132 legs and 8 teeth? A: The front row of a Garth Brooks concert!


32 Rednecks
Q: What do you call 32 Rednecks in one room? A: A full set of teeth.


40 Things Never Said By Southerners

40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.

39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrasslin's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who's Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?
12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
09. Checkmate.
08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
06. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
05. I don't have a favorite college team.
04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.

A Letter From A Redneck Mother To Her Son

Dear Son,
I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.
It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.
The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funderal bill, up she comes.
About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.
Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safery. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.
Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.
Love, Ma

thats alot of reading

[Caer Ibormeith]

Heh heh...you might be an idiot if you typed everything in these posts...I did, except what Sneek wrote...