Daemon Hunters

[Caer Ibormeith]

Ok, I asked around and if my stroy isn't welcome here, move it someone please. I wanted you all to read a story that I'm starting...a couple years ago. I'm rewriting it for the bajillionth time and I want inputs. Like what you'd do if you were such and such a person. Some of the charcters are based on real people, but a bunch are based on bits and pieces of you people. If you, the real whole you are in my story than you know. If so and there is something that you'd do or say differently or whatever, pm me and I'll add it. I'm not too good with personalities I think. So here I go, my Story will be entered about two or three notebook pages per post.

Thank you all for your support, I really apprecitate this a lot.

[Caer Ibormeith]

Desiree Gazed out across the lake, looking at the fine mist that sheathed it, and glanced at the puddle beside her. A series of flashes appeared on the surface, pictures of spilling blood, unknown peoples, gory weapons, dead bodies and other visions. She placed her index and middle fingers into the center of it, withdrawing its power- it evaporated.
Cassandra came skipping up joyfully and pounced on Desiree's back.
"Rawr!" She smirked.
Her twin sister, Muriel and their friend, Christopher were traipsing over to the two goofballs laying flat on the ground. Chris was explaining quadratic fromulas, Mo's eyebrow was furrowed and she shook her head.
"Chris," Mo sighed heavily, "All you've done is confuse me more."
"You mean that's possible?" Amanda sauntered up with Devin on her tail.
"How can you not get that?" Chris's jaw dropped as he stared at her in disbelief.
"Shove it!" Mo retorted hotly.
Cassuie ignored the squabblers and rested her chin on her hand, drinving her elbow into Desiree's back. "So what's up?"
"The opposite of down, of course." Desiree grimaced.
"Wow," Mo looked over at Dez, "That's so opld it's-"
"Me!" Amanda shreiked. "That's so me and my saying you idget!"
"Ask me if I care." Dez drawled wincing from Cassie's weight opn her ribs.
"Do you care?" Devin asked, trying to pry Cassie off her (unsuccessfully for now Cass clung to her).
"Nopperz," she answered, sounding very squished.
Cassie sat up indignantly , plopping her rather large behind in the middle of Desiree's back. A couple pops and cracks were heard. "Hello! I was talking here!"
"Try talking over there," Amanda suggested. "Those oafs might listen to you better than us..."

only thing I can really recommend on something like this... is spell check and a perhaps more description. description alone can develope a story... to give background place and time... weather which adds mood... making things more personal for each character in this giving character developement. details on the characters themselves gives them individuality... so and so forth.. but this just starting out could later become a middle section of your story..... but what you do have is good. keep writing and soon it should just flow to u... sit down and just type let ur mind do the work... write what comes to mind.. dont think on what to write... other wise ur a rock at the bottom of the ocean.

[Caer Ibormeith]

((thanks, it sounds like you are used to replying to this type of thing...))

"And your point is?" Mo queried.
"Cassie, let me up please?" Dez squirmed.
"Not until you answer my question!" Cassie objected.
"I did! It's just not an answer you like!"
Cassandra got off, plopped beside her and (obviously putout) in a half-dead voice, "What are you doing?"
"You mean," she sat up and stretched , "What was I doing? Something done by those who are educated, unlike you-"
Cassie pretended to be outraged and 'playfully' jabbed a punch at Dez. She didn't stop it from impact (lost control in lamen's terms) so it crashed into an invisible barrier. One of Cassie's fingers popped on contact and peridot lightning flashed about the surface. Desiree flinched slightly.
"-in the ways of witchcraft."
"Ow," Cassie complained while shaking her han, "you have been working hard, haven't you?"
"No," Chris said sarcastically, "She woke up this morning and can suddenly do that!"
"Really?"
"No!"
Mo sighed, "If all is said and done? I'm going to the library."
"Mo, there's a new series out about samurai," Dezs began to stand and stretch her limbs. "Inu-Yahsa came in....Samurai X as well as Ranma 1/2."
"SWEET!" The twins squealed.
"Get lost Mo! Rurouni Kenshin is calling your name!" Cassie shoved Mo away.
"Well!" Mo grabbed her text book out of Chris's hands. "I must be running, besides, Kenshin is cute!"
"And about 28 years old!"
"Tata!" Amanda called after her.
Muriel sprinted toward the school but paused to turn and wave. She tripped and fell onto some cute guy. She struggled to get up but fell again. Quickly she yanked down her skirt which had flown up in the process.
"Ouch!" Cassie placed her index finger below her bottom lip, "That's gotta hurt!"
"Embarrassment-o-meter says: Wow! That really sucks!" Dez chortled.

[Larrin]

Question: are you just trying to get ideas in your head onto "paper" so you can enjoy them and share it with others, or are you trying your hand at writing a story to see if you can/are any good at it/can learn to be better?

my first coment is that from the start, you're completely dialouge driven, you need to start with more desrciptions, as characters are introduced, give a fairly good description of them, you start out by throwing 5-6 characters at the reader, but giving them no way to remember them. introduce them slowly, one by one, and flesh them out. Once the reader has been given a picture of them, then let them start speaking more and get on with it.

a good way to get a feel for good writing, is get a book you like and just look at how its written, espeacially how it starts, how much descrtption there is, how much dialogue, how the author describes things that are happening, and how they use punctuation, such as ,commas, and (parenthesis) and how it all fits together. thats what i've tried to do. And the biggest (and worst) thing is write patiently. When you write' you'll naturally want to jump right into the action and skip over boring things like backstory and explanations, but for the reader it gives them something to hang on to, and as long as you don't get too carried away with long descriptions, the readers DON"T NOTICE it, it just goes straight to their brain,painting the background, while they remember the action and dialouge.

[Caer Ibormeith]

((sorry, i don't do complete description at once, it's a pet peeve of mine. as the story goes they do get described, please note that this started as a screen play and so it 'would' be on TV. this is still an editing stage...believe me the battles are quite detailed...so no worries ))