Things to Do at the Mall

[Caer Ibormeith]

1.) Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecing pond.
2.) Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make you butt look big.
3.) Dial 900 numbers from the demonstration phones in Radio Shack.
4.) Sneeze on the sample tray at Hickory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents.
5.) At the bottom of an escalator, scream "MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!"
6.) Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices are in pesos or rubles.
7.) Teach petstore parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsellable.
8.) Stomp on ketchup pakcets at Burger Queen.
9.) ...but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that they're "astronaut food".
10.) Follow partons of D. Balton's around while reading aloud from Dianetics.
11.) Ask mall cops about stories about World War I.
12.) ASk a salesman why a particluar TV is labeled black and white and insist that it's a color set. When he disagrees, give him a strange look and say. "You mean you really can't see it?"
13.) Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Sears.
14.) Wear pancake makeup and new clothes, pose as a fashion dummy in clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning.
15.) Test matresses in your pajamas.
17.) Ask the tobacconist if his hovercraft is full of eels.
18.) If you're paitent. stare intently into a surveillance camera for an hour while rocking from side to side.
19.) Sprint up the down escalator.
20.) Stare at static on a display TV and challenge other shoppers whether they, too, can see the hidden picture.
21.) Ask appilance psersonnel if they have any TVs that play only in Spanish.
22.) Make unusal requests at the Peircing Pagoda.
23.) Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a particular saw cut through bone.
24.) At the pet store, ask if they hae bulk discounts on gerbils, and whethers there's much meat on them.
25.) Hula dance by the demonstration air-conditioner.
26.) Ask for red-tinted lenses at the optometrist.
27.) Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray them with you own bottle of Eau de Swanke.
28.) Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store, insisting that you've lost your contact lense.
29.) Ask a saleswoman whether a particluar shade of panties matches you beard.
30.)In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong voice, "I see London, I see France..."
31.) Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes, and wander around the mall taking two inch steps.
32.) Play the tuba for change.
33.) Ask the Hammond organ dealer if he can play, "Jesus Built My Hotrod."
34.) Record belches on electric sampling keyboards, and preform gastric versions of Jingle Bells for admiring onlookers.
35.) Ask the pharmacist at the drug store which leading cold remedy will, "give you a really wicked buzz."
36.) Ask the personnel at Peir 1 Imports wheher they have "any giant crap made out of straw."
37.) "Toast" plastic gag hotdogs in front of a fake fireplace display.
38.) Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand then out as religious tracts.
39.) Ask the information desk for a stroller, and someone to push to around init.
40.) Change every TV in the electronics department to a station showing "Saved by the Bell". Chant the dialogue in a robotic voice,and scream if anyonetries to switch channels on one of the sets.
41.) Hang out in the waterbed section of the furnture department wearing a Navy uniform. Occasionally run around in circles yelling "scratch one flattop!"
42.) Hand a stack of pants to the changing rooms attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are "leak proof".
43.) "play" the demo modes of video games at the arcade. Make lots of explosion noises.
44.) Stand transfixed in front of a mirror bobbing your head up and down.
45.) Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store. Return fifteen minutes later, fish it out of your mouth, and demand to know why it hasn't turned blue yet.
46.) Pay for all your purchases with two dollars bills to provoke arguements over if they are real.
47.) If it's Christmas, make the mall Santa sit on your lap.
48.) Answer any unattended service phones that ring and say, "Domino's."
49.) Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally pausing to scratch yourself.
50.) At the stylist ask to have the hair on your back permed.
51.) Show people your drivers license and demand to know "whether they've seen this man."