Getting Older

[Dungeon Keeper]

THE PERKS OF BEING OVER 40 (or 50 for some of us or more)

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
21. You can't remember who sent you this list.

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.
3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.

SIGNS OF WEAR

1. "OLD" IS WHEN.... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love, and you answer, Pick one, I can't do both.
2. "OLD" IS WHEN.... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
3. "OLD" IS WHEN.... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
4. "OLD" IS WHEN.... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
5. "OLD" IS WHEN.... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.
6. "OLD" IS WHEN.... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
7. "OLD" IS WHEN.... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.