Actual Church Bulletins

[Dungeon Keeper]

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist.
   Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
   
   
2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING Conference:
   "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."
   
   
3. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water. "
   The sermon tonight:"Searching for Jesus."
   
   
4. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale.
   It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.
   Don't forget your husbands."
   
   
5. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
   
   
6. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
   
   
7. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
   
   
8. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
   
   
9. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.
   They need all the help they can get.
   
   
10. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions.
    She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
    
    
11. During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
    
    
12. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."
    
    
13. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.
    So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
    
    
14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
    Music will follow.
    
    
15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?"
    Come early and listen to our choir practice.
    
    
16. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
    
    
17. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled.
    Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
    
    
18. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
    
    
19. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
    
    
20. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
    They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
    
    
21. This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church.
    Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
    
    
22. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10.
    All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
    
    
23. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.
    Please use the back door.
    
    
24. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement, Friday at 7 PM.
    The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
    
    
25. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
    Please use large double door at the side entrance.
    
    
26. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday
    "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.

Those were hilarious

Some more that are from actual announcements...


10:30 A.M., Service with the sermon by the minister on the theme "Evil member in the Church." The vested choir will sing the hymn-anthem "Who Could It Be?" -Beverly (Mass.) paper.


DINNER
M.E. Church, Wheeling, Mo.
Turkey .35c. Chicken or Beef .25c.
Children .15c. and .20c.

-Advertisment in Chillicothe (Missouri) paper.


ETHICAL
SPIRITUALIST TEMPLE
902 S. W. Fourth Avenue
Immorality Demonstrated
Sunday at 2:45 P.M.

-Miami Herald.



ARMAGEDDON
Earth's last war. How and where will it be fought? At Adventist church, Sunday night.
-Clearwater (Fla.) paper.





Thank you thank you, it aint much but I do what I can.

heres one from our church

the young mothers group is meeting sunday at 1:00. If you would like to become a young mother please see the pasture in his office after service.

that one is just too good

damn i need to become a pastor